Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken

I am amazed at the recent changes in my life.
When God prompts you to do something, and then you are obedient and do that thing. Well, that is when miracles happen!
It was not long ago at all, that I was walking around on my front porch one night talking to the Lord about everything. I do mean everything.
I don't know what kind of relationship other people have with God. But, He is my Daddy and Jesus is the lover of my soul. I know that they are completely aware of what I think anyway, so I just let it all hang out with them.
Anyway, I was crying. I was trying to make some kind of sense of this world and all the pain and suffering I encounter. I was pretty much begging Jesus to come back and take us away. I do that a alot!
Just then, a phrase came to me, "nothing missing, nothing broken". I knew, that is what the Lord wanted to do for me. So I asked the Lord to give me exactly that. Nothing missing and nothing broken in my life.
It is what He wants to do for all of us. We don't always know what is missing or what is broken in our lives or in our selves. He does.
Shortly after this I had a dream. I dreamed that I was extremely angry with someone. I was cursing this person for all they were worth. I mean I was saying, "F--- you", and all kinds of not nice things. When I woke up I couldn't believe it. I had never had a dream like that before.
Then I realized who I was cursing at in my dream. It was a person who had hurt me when I was a young teenage girl. I had thought, up until this point, that I had overcome that hurt, forgiven the person etc.. but this was an eye opener from the Lord.
So, if you have read my previous two blog posts then you know that the Lord helped me to contact that person and receive healing. I am actually amazed this didn't happen sooner. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life still wounded.
The healing continues and I am thankful.
I am 37 years old and have worked as a Registered Nurse for 17 years.  Fifteen of those years I have worked with people who are mentally ill. I tell you this because of my perception of my life before this recent turn of events.
I felt like I pretty much had things together. A good career, two beautiful healthy daughters, a husband who loves me beyond all reason, nice house, nice car, parents who love me, friends, etc....... But I was still broken inside. Never feeling like I was good enough. Never feeling whole.

Most of the patients I take care of have nothing close to the good things I do.  It is utterly horrific to see people in such despair and pain. Sometimes it is overwhelming. And that is just me looking into their lives!
I have known for a long time that I would not have Anything good in my life without God.
However, what I didn't know is that every thing that has happened in my life was for a reason.
A real reason.
Every time I screwed up. Every time I asked for forgiveness. Every time I realized my need for HIM.
It was all leading up to the realization that God wants me to have Nothing missing and Nothing broken.
And that He was going to do this for me!
Not because I have done Anything to deserve it. My Lord, I have done so many wrong things, bad things.
I dare say it would shock some people..
God is So good. He loves us So much more than we know. He really did know every sin we would commit before we ever did. He loves us anyway.
We really don't have to do anything but accept His love. Spend time with Him and listen to His heart. He wants to heal all of us. He wants to heal our hearts, our minds and our bodies. We spend too much time resisting what God wants us to do.  If we would just do it, push past the fear, do what He is telling you to do. He has freedom in store for you when you do. He has wholeness and peace just waiting for you! It might not be easy, but it Will be worth it...
I am sure I still have quite a ways to go before God gets me to where He wants me. But I am glad I am along for the ride!

Woundedness and Healing

Okay, so now I am apparently on a journey of Healing also.  As young as I was when I got hurt, at the time, the only way I knew to deal with it, was to bury it deep and not think about it. Great, so guess what that means?

Unfortunately for me, emotional healing is often painful as we greive things and work through previously blocked out memories. Memories that are popping up now and begging to be examined. 

"Lord, am I actually supposed to be able to look at these things and allow myself to think about it without dying from the pain still lodged in my heart? Yes, You are my healer and You give me strength."

And He truly is the Lover and Healer. So far, everytime a thought or memory comes to mind, He is there holding my hand and pouring His love into my heart where every damaged, wounded part exists. I can feel Him healing my heart! and it is Amazing and Painful and Wonderful all at the same time.

Geez, I feel so human and frail and vulnerable. It is good to know that my Jesus is faithful, and that He indeed has made me Free.

Woundedness can be healed and restored and made new. He came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. This is Praise to my King.

He is my Savior and my King. I will adore Him forever. Who could ever love me like He does?

Wrapped up in the esctasy of Your presence I am forever whole.

You are the Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. You are my Rock forever more.

I would die in your presence, I would live in your presence, only that I would be with you.

There is no God but You.

You have held me in your hand and given me strength,

you have guided my feet along a crooked path and made my way straight.

I am awed at Your majesty and beauty.

You are the Love of my life and the Life of my love.

I am nothing without you. My Savior and my Lord.

journey to forgiveness and freedom

Help me Jesus. I am a mess this week. Confronting long-standing painful issues from the past is hard work. It is also emotionally exhausting. I feel wrung out completely. This post is really just for me. I thought of writing in my journal about all this, and I guess maybe I will at some point. This week I sent an email correspondence to the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life. I had thought about contacting this person for many years. I am still not sure why now was the time to do it. But it was. I really didn't know if I would get a response from this person or not. Hell I didn't know if I really wanted a response! I just had to lay my cards on the table. For some reason I have this need to let people know when they've hurt me. I have done this in the past and I definitely don't always get an apology or even a response. However, just the act of releasing it to the person seems to help me heal. This was no different. As a matter-of-fact, it felt like a large heavy stone had been lifted from my chest. Thank you Jesus.
The person actually did respond and apologized, asking for forgiveness. It was weird. I am still kind of reeling from it. It has been 23 years since this person hurt me. Unfortunately though, the wound that was inflicted all those years ago set horrible things in motion in my life. I dare say my life would have been totally and completely different if it hadn't happened.
It is just so strange to me now. The one thing that defined how I perceived my self and my value for so many years. Now gone...
I had learned to value myself before this, the Lord has been faithful to me. But apparently I still needed to do what I did.
This person offered to get in contact more and talk over things but I had to decline. Even though I am thankful for the apology, I am a person who loves and feels very deeply. This person was my first love whom rejected me. So the thought of sitting down with him face to face was just not a pleasant one. Even though he apologized and sounded sincere, I don't think he really got the depth of the wound he inflicted. Then again I don't imagine it is necessary that he does.
I think what is so strange is that I did not realize myself how deeply it would affect me if he did respond and apologize. I have just carried this pain for so long, buried deep inside, that I feel like crying all the time now. Has anyone else ever been through something like this? Am I the only one? It feels like I am.

Working for the blessings of God???

Tonight I watched a minister on television whom I respect, teaching about being blessed by God.  What he said just did not ring true within my spirit. Something that I struggled with for a long time and still do at times is attempting to earn God's approval and blessings. This minister was pretty much saying that when we live holy lives and do what the bible says then we will open up the windows of heavens for God's blessing to pour out on our lives.
Now, I do agree that living holy will accomplish this; being obedient will accomplish this. HOWEVER.... I don't know about you, but I do not have the ability to just say okay, I am going to live holy, always respect my spouse, always walk in love, never say things in anger, always make the right decisions, never fulfill the lust of the flesh and then just do it... Oh I have tried to do that.. But it never lasts long. Then I am frustrated and crying to God, and being afraid I am screwing things up and on and on ad nauseum. Can anyone relate?

So what is the answer? Well, what the Holy Spirit has been teaching me ever so sweetly, is that having an intimate relationship with God IS what will accomplish ALL of this for me. That sounds easier doesn't it? But is that what the Word says? Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30; "Come unto me, all of you who labor and are forced to bear burdens, and I shall give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am peaceful and meek in my heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is pleasant and my burden is light.” In this passage Jesus tells us to take His yoke and LEARN from Him. What was Jesus' yoke?
“For I came down from Heaven, not to do my will, but to do the will of him who has sent me.”John 6:38.
Jesus yoke was to do the will of the Father. Sooo, What is God's will? How do we know what God's will is for us in our life?
Well, lets think about how Jesus learned God's will. I think that he learned the same way any of us learn the will of another person. We talk to them, spend time with that person and get to know them. Jesus spent whole nights in prayer with God. I used to picture this as him struggling and pleading with God. But now I know differently. Jesus just spent time in God's presence. He learned to hear God with his spiritual ears and communicated with Him. He was empowered and refreshed by spending time with his Father. By spending time with God he learned to constantly be aware of God's presence and hear from Him. I know this because Jesus said, "I can guarantee this truth: The Son cannot do anything on his own. He can do only what he sees the Father doing. Indeed, the Son does exactly what the Father does." John 5:19... JESUS said that He could not do Anything on his own!!  So what makes us think we can???

We can't. We can not do anything of eternal significance on our own. However, we Can do all things through Christ who strenghtens us!! The way we are strengthened by Christ is by spending time with Him.
I have seen in my own life that when I take time regularly to just sit down alone, focus on God, speak to Him, praise Him, listen to Him.. That His presence comes to me. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.
In His presence is the fullness of Joy. His presence is so sweet and rich and welcoming. His presence is the most precious thing on earth. After I have spent time with Him, I feel like being loving to others. I am calm and peaceful. I feel loved and cherished. I have no worries and cares because I Know that He cares for me.
Things that would usually bother me or tempt me no longer have power over me. I become empowered to do His will, which is to walk in love.
There is a catch though. This is an ongoing process. I have to do this regulary. The more often the better. I believe this is our yoke. And it IS pleasant and easy. Our Father is love; and love never fails. Love is powerful. When you walk out love in your life, your actions become powerful and produce the fruit of the Spirit of God. You are automatically blessed and not stressed!! All we have to do is spend time with God. Jesus said, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." How do we love him? We spend time with him and He empowers us to keep His commandments!!!

I welcome any comments or thoughts on this subject..

The End of the world as we know it???

Okay, so tomorrow the United Nations will be the place where the bid for a Palestinian State will come up for a vote. Anyone aware of what that could possibly mean for the world as we know it now?? Well as far as I can tell it means that (if it is approved) Israel will be told, " This is the way it is, we are taking part of Jerusalem and part of your other land to make the new Palestinian State, whether you agree or not." I don't know about you, but I don't think that will go over too well. I am thinking it will be the start of another war. But this time, it will involve Israel. The implications of that are overwhelming. Zacharia 12:3 comes to mind, " On that day, when all the nations of the earth are gathered against her, I will make Jerusalem an immovable rock for all the nations. All who try to move it will injure themselves."

We must pray that our National leaders do not turn against Israel at this pivotal moment in History. It would mean a terrible time of disaster and the removal of God's hedge of protection from this country.
I am not trying to instill fear, far from it. But we need to be aware of what is happening in the world , so that we can be Salt and Light. It is our responsibility to preserve the earth while we are still here. I know that we can not stop inevitable prophetic events from eventually occurring. But, I do believe that God expects us to be aware and involved with our prayers.

I would also like to make my friends aware that 6 days after this vote, on Sept. 27, the comet Elenin will be aligned with the Earth, Sun and I believe Mercury.  If you do not know, the last several major earthquakes that have happened including the recent Japan earthquake all happened when this kind of configuration in the sky was in place. So what does this mean? It is very likely that there will be another major earthquake somewhere on earth around this date. We must pray for the safety of God's children during this time.
I have been very interested in all these end time events as of late, at times allowing myself to become a little overwhelmed with concern. But, praise my Father God, He is So Good to me. He has told me the only preparation I really need is to prepare my Heart to be strong in HIM. He is more than able to deliver us from destruction. We must Not allow fear into our hearts and minds.

Just remember,
 ¹He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
 ²I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
 ³Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
 ⁴He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
 ⁵Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
 ⁶Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
 ⁷A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.
 ⁸Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.
 ⁹Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;
 ¹⁰There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
 ¹¹For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
 ¹²They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
 ¹³Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.
 ¹⁴Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.
 ¹⁵He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
 ¹⁶With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.
Psalms 91..

Deception in individual believers.

Something that has been a concern for me in my own life here on this planet, is the issue of deception. I don't think that Christians, or people who have accepted Jesus as Lord, for the most part, really even consider that deception could be a part of their lives. But the Holy Spirit has taught me a couple things that I was actually able to get through my thick skull! One of the most important things being that fear and deception are satan's primary weapons that he uses to destroy us and our lives.
I am not even exactly sure how it happened or with what situation it first occurred, that the Lord revealed to me an area of deception in my life that was harming me in some way. But I do distinctly remember having a realization of deception as an entity, trying to influence the course of my life. I prayed then and there that Jesus would not allow me to be deceived in any area of my life. God is faithful and he continues to lead me into the light on a regular basis by His own power.
One thing that I pray always, is that the Lord won't allow me to stay deceived in any area. I know that most anyone who reads this post, has had some experience in their life where you had a realization that your eyes had been blinded in some way, and you had a 'light bulb' moment. It is almost kind of scary to me when it happens. Scary, because I do not want to be functioning under some false assumptions about Anything! That leads to trouble in more ways than one!
The reason deception is so bad, is You don't Know when you are deceived, Because You Are Deceived! That is why it is important for us to keep an open , humble heart before the Lord and everyone else. Humility will protect you from deception. Constantly recognize that you are helplessly dependent upon God to keep you free and walking in the truth. Seek Him and his counsel all the time, every day in every situation. He hears those prayer and answers readily!

Fear is different. That is an old enemy of mine. The Lord delivered me physically from a spirit of fear that had taken up residence within my very body. Isn't that annoying and presumptuous and down right overstepping some personal boundaries!! I became quite outraged over the whole thing once I realized what had happened!!  I think it was a generational spirit that was passed down to me. I had heard an older cousin of mine who knew my paternal Grandfather, talk about him. He died two years before I was placed on the planet. Anyway, this cousin, Elle Bee Roberts, told me that my dear departed Grandfather was the scaredest man he ever knew! I remember him recounting this to my Father and I when I was a child. He told some tall tales as examples but I am pretty sure they were true. I wish I could remember better but I was young. It did stick with me though. In more ways than one unfortunately!
But Praise God, I am free from that disgusting thing now and have been for years! Satan will deceive us and keep us in bondage to fear or anything that we allow. But God is faithful and true and an ever present help in trouble!'s
Well that's all I got today. I think I will enjoy writing this blog even if no one else reads it!