Just a closer walk with Thee

 Just a closer walk with Thee



I have come to realize that life is best lived walking very closely to Jesus. There is no security in anyone or anything else.
Just looking around me, I see So many signs pointing to His soon return. I believe, Really soon.
So what exactly determines if we go in the catching away?
I know a lot of people are saying a lot of different things, about Jesus coming for a bride without spot or wrinkle. So, they are putting a lot of emphasis on living perfectly sin free. I think it is definitely what we strive to do, live without sinning. But, we never could keep the law in the first place, that is why Jesus came.
He washes us with His blood and makes us white as snow.
On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

I do not believe, that you can trust in yourself to do everything right all the time, so that you will be found worthy to escape all these things. I think you either trust in your own righteousness, or you trust in His.
I really don't see how it can be both ways. Do you?
I know that when I walk each day being very conscious of all my failings, that I do not walk in joy or victory.
However, when I walk each day being very conscious of how much God loves me, I walk in peace, joy and victory.

I see dark days ahead. I don't know how dark it will be before our Savior returns...But I do know that we Are lights in this darkness. We must show people His light while we can.
And I do believe that as long as we are walking with Him daily now, that we will continue to walk with Him right into eternity, however that may happen. That should be enough for us, to know that He will walk with us where ever we go and what ever we do.

If I only had a brain..

The complete and utter ignorance that is on display on the internet is magnificent in its sheer magnitude don't you think? That was a mouthful. Oh the frustration I endure. I have lived in America my whole life, I am 37 years old. I grew up in the 80"s and early 90's. I have watched things unfold on a social and political level in our once beloved nation.  It appears that  the whole world itself has jumped off a chasm into the abyss. I actually used to be proud of our nation. It just makes me sad now. I was proud to be part of a common people who have descended from others who overcame great adversity and hardship to come to this land for true freedom. I am also proud to be descended from the people who already inhabited this land and still survive today. I have always thought about the atrocities and horrors other peoples, of other nations, endured at the hands of tyrannical dictatorships. I felt sorry for them and thanked my God I lived in America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. I have really been upset that my delusion has been shattered. I cherished it.

It appears that a too large majority of the citizens of this country are asleep at the wheel. Therefore, our descent into the abyss.  Every time I check my email and these stupid cover stories pop up on the way to my inbox I want to vomit.  I think, "Do people really care what actress is showing some leg in a photo or not?" Geez, in the past month I have seen not one but two articles on the front page display about two separate actresses showing their lovely long legs off, maybe a bit too much? I'm not sure because I couldn't get past the fact of the articles actual existence. But this is what I am talking about. Not a whisper about the offensive legislation bouncing out of Washington every Friday evening. When YOU can't go to Walmart and buy groceries without being patted down by some TSA agent or you can't say you disagree with the government without being harassed or jailed, What are you going to be interested in knowing about then? Your constitutional rights?  By then they no longer exist. I would dare say we are pretty much there anyway.  That is what makes me sad.


Talk talk talk about government for the people and by the people. That is a joke. I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when the first airplane hit the first twin tower. I was at work. I worked on a mental health unit in a hospital. I was making rounds and noticed the news on in the dayroom. There was smoke coming from the tower and I thought, "Wow, a plane flew into a building? What the hell?" I thought it was an accident or something until an uproar arose from the day room and one of the nurses I work with said, "Jilda, you better come here."  How horrifying to realize my country was under attack. The mainland USA!  In the heart breaking aftermath of this event I understand why Americans accepted tighter government controls and intervention. Safety? Like our government could actually protect us individually if it came down to it. You know there are lots of people who have different ideas about what actually went down that day. Who actually is behind everything and all that.  Well, I know one thing. Who ever is ultimately responsible for the tragic events that day will answer for it.  That my friends is the way it works. Thank God.

In the meantime however, this event has changed my country.  Sweet land of liberty, I want to sing. But no more. Do any of you realize that an elderly farmer was arrested in the United States of  America for selling his cow's milk to people who wanted to buy fresh milk? That is a drop in the bucket. (No pun intended).
Children have been forcibly vaccinated at school without parental consent. A man in California recently blew himself and his home up.  He had been arrested so many times for keeping chickens on his property for fresh eggs and food, that he couldn't pay his bills and they were gonna take him away. Really? 
The list goes on and on.  A TSA agent forced a breast feeding mother to pump milk at the airport in a bathroom to prove it was a breast pump... Need I say more because I feel I should. This kind of thing makes me so angry I see numerous shades of red. I want to scream from the rooftops!!  Stand up for your freedom! Don't take it lying down. Oh I can just see somebody, anybody try to make me pump breast milk to prove it is a breast milk pump. That is too rich.  Okay people, Let us refresh ourselves with the noble sentiment that I take to heart, and will stand by no matter what happens. Give me Liberty or give me death. What else is there?
Selah.

Resistance is not futile

I have decided that when I grow up, I want to be Ron Paul or possibly Jay Sekulow... These guys are awesome.
These are men that I can respect. I don't know about ya'll but I have a burning desire to see Truth prevail. I have also decided that it IS better to shine a light rather than curse the darkness. Has anyone read any of Chuck Norris' recent articles or posts? He is also awesome. I admire anyone who is not afraid to speak the truth and damn the consequences. Don't you? We might as well. I was raised to believe I live in a free country.
Obviously you can't always depend on the status quo being maintained. Especially when greedy, evil, self-serving psychopaths have gained way too much power over the establishment.

It really is sad to see my beloved America falling to the hands of corporate thugs who buy their way into our laws and courts. It really isn't about the 99% against the 1%. It is also not about black or white or yellow or brown. That is just another way to pit us against each other. It is basically evil vs. good.  Virtue vs. Vice.
Vice is a habitual, repeated practice of wrongdoing.
So the question unfortunately has become in this amazingly dark day and age, what can be defined as wrong doing??  There are so many basic things people seem to need clarification for when it comes to deciding what is right or wrong. Also, some people don't really care. Too bad the people who don't care are pulling most of the strings of our government and society at large. There are a few lone hold outs who are screaming their heads off and doing everything they can to fight the machine and the descent into chaos. But not nearly enough.

So what to do? I am the kind of person who has to say something, has to do something. I can't really keep my mouth shut. So I am shining a light.
I say that we don't deserve to be called Americans unless we stand up for our freedom. Talk about bullying being a problem in our schools and among the youth. Geez are you kidding? I wonder why.
Intimidation and bullying are common practice in the US of A nowadays isn't it? You know the new golden rule right. He who has the gold makes the rules... I really liked, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is not so popular anymore, seems to be a little too much effort for folks.

That is the adversaries power base you know; greed, lust and self-centeredness, oh and don't forget fear. Fortunately I have a secret weapon. I know that, "Anything which comes from God is able to overcome the world; and the power by which we have overcome the world is our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? 1 John 5:4-5  So, because of the fact that I have been given the responsibility of being salt and light. I must exercise my faith and not be afraid to speak the truth and shout it from the rooftops. (or from my blog, facebook and anyone I can get to listen). I am also financially supporting people whom I know are actively fighting for our freedoms here in our own country, in our own courtrooms. How much is your freedom worth to you? Are you going to cower in fear? I love to listen to Bob Marley. He put it well when he said: Get up stand up, stand up for your right, Get up stand up, don't give up the fight..
Does the phrase "Give me liberty or give me death" resonate with your spirit at all? It does mine. I refuse to live without freedom. That is not life.

Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken

I am amazed at the recent changes in my life.
When God prompts you to do something, and then you are obedient and do that thing. Well, that is when miracles happen!
It was not long ago at all, that I was walking around on my front porch one night talking to the Lord about everything. I do mean everything.
I don't know what kind of relationship other people have with God. But, He is my Daddy and Jesus is the lover of my soul. I know that they are completely aware of what I think anyway, so I just let it all hang out with them.
Anyway, I was crying. I was trying to make some kind of sense of this world and all the pain and suffering I encounter. I was pretty much begging Jesus to come back and take us away. I do that a alot!
Just then, a phrase came to me, "nothing missing, nothing broken". I knew, that is what the Lord wanted to do for me. So I asked the Lord to give me exactly that. Nothing missing and nothing broken in my life.
It is what He wants to do for all of us. We don't always know what is missing or what is broken in our lives or in our selves. He does.
Shortly after this I had a dream. I dreamed that I was extremely angry with someone. I was cursing this person for all they were worth. I mean I was saying, "F--- you", and all kinds of not nice things. When I woke up I couldn't believe it. I had never had a dream like that before.
Then I realized who I was cursing at in my dream. It was a person who had hurt me when I was a young teenage girl. I had thought, up until this point, that I had overcome that hurt, forgiven the person etc.. but this was an eye opener from the Lord.
So, if you have read my previous two blog posts then you know that the Lord helped me to contact that person and receive healing. I am actually amazed this didn't happen sooner. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life still wounded.
The healing continues and I am thankful.
I am 37 years old and have worked as a Registered Nurse for 17 years.  Fifteen of those years I have worked with people who are mentally ill. I tell you this because of my perception of my life before this recent turn of events.
I felt like I pretty much had things together. A good career, two beautiful healthy daughters, a husband who loves me beyond all reason, nice house, nice car, parents who love me, friends, etc....... But I was still broken inside. Never feeling like I was good enough. Never feeling whole.

Most of the patients I take care of have nothing close to the good things I do.  It is utterly horrific to see people in such despair and pain. Sometimes it is overwhelming. And that is just me looking into their lives!
I have known for a long time that I would not have Anything good in my life without God.
However, what I didn't know is that every thing that has happened in my life was for a reason.
A real reason.
Every time I screwed up. Every time I asked for forgiveness. Every time I realized my need for HIM.
It was all leading up to the realization that God wants me to have Nothing missing and Nothing broken.
And that He was going to do this for me!
Not because I have done Anything to deserve it. My Lord, I have done so many wrong things, bad things.
I dare say it would shock some people..
God is So good. He loves us So much more than we know. He really did know every sin we would commit before we ever did. He loves us anyway.
We really don't have to do anything but accept His love. Spend time with Him and listen to His heart. He wants to heal all of us. He wants to heal our hearts, our minds and our bodies. We spend too much time resisting what God wants us to do.  If we would just do it, push past the fear, do what He is telling you to do. He has freedom in store for you when you do. He has wholeness and peace just waiting for you! It might not be easy, but it Will be worth it...
I am sure I still have quite a ways to go before God gets me to where He wants me. But I am glad I am along for the ride!

Woundedness and Healing

Okay, so now I am apparently on a journey of Healing also.  As young as I was when I got hurt, at the time, the only way I knew to deal with it, was to bury it deep and not think about it. Great, so guess what that means?

Unfortunately for me, emotional healing is often painful as we greive things and work through previously blocked out memories. Memories that are popping up now and begging to be examined. 

"Lord, am I actually supposed to be able to look at these things and allow myself to think about it without dying from the pain still lodged in my heart? Yes, You are my healer and You give me strength."

And He truly is the Lover and Healer. So far, everytime a thought or memory comes to mind, He is there holding my hand and pouring His love into my heart where every damaged, wounded part exists. I can feel Him healing my heart! and it is Amazing and Painful and Wonderful all at the same time.

Geez, I feel so human and frail and vulnerable. It is good to know that my Jesus is faithful, and that He indeed has made me Free.

Woundedness can be healed and restored and made new. He came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. This is Praise to my King.

He is my Savior and my King. I will adore Him forever. Who could ever love me like He does?

Wrapped up in the esctasy of Your presence I am forever whole.

You are the Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. You are my Rock forever more.

I would die in your presence, I would live in your presence, only that I would be with you.

There is no God but You.

You have held me in your hand and given me strength,

you have guided my feet along a crooked path and made my way straight.

I am awed at Your majesty and beauty.

You are the Love of my life and the Life of my love.

I am nothing without you. My Savior and my Lord.

journey to forgiveness and freedom

Help me Jesus. I am a mess this week. Confronting long-standing painful issues from the past is hard work. It is also emotionally exhausting. I feel wrung out completely. This post is really just for me. I thought of writing in my journal about all this, and I guess maybe I will at some point. This week I sent an email correspondence to the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life. I had thought about contacting this person for many years. I am still not sure why now was the time to do it. But it was. I really didn't know if I would get a response from this person or not. Hell I didn't know if I really wanted a response! I just had to lay my cards on the table. For some reason I have this need to let people know when they've hurt me. I have done this in the past and I definitely don't always get an apology or even a response. However, just the act of releasing it to the person seems to help me heal. This was no different. As a matter-of-fact, it felt like a large heavy stone had been lifted from my chest. Thank you Jesus.
The person actually did respond and apologized, asking for forgiveness. It was weird. I am still kind of reeling from it. It has been 23 years since this person hurt me. Unfortunately though, the wound that was inflicted all those years ago set horrible things in motion in my life. I dare say my life would have been totally and completely different if it hadn't happened.
It is just so strange to me now. The one thing that defined how I perceived my self and my value for so many years. Now gone...
I had learned to value myself before this, the Lord has been faithful to me. But apparently I still needed to do what I did.
This person offered to get in contact more and talk over things but I had to decline. Even though I am thankful for the apology, I am a person who loves and feels very deeply. This person was my first love whom rejected me. So the thought of sitting down with him face to face was just not a pleasant one. Even though he apologized and sounded sincere, I don't think he really got the depth of the wound he inflicted. Then again I don't imagine it is necessary that he does.
I think what is so strange is that I did not realize myself how deeply it would affect me if he did respond and apologize. I have just carried this pain for so long, buried deep inside, that I feel like crying all the time now. Has anyone else ever been through something like this? Am I the only one? It feels like I am.