Nothing Missing, Nothing Broken

I am amazed at the recent changes in my life.
When God prompts you to do something, and then you are obedient and do that thing. Well, that is when miracles happen!
It was not long ago at all, that I was walking around on my front porch one night talking to the Lord about everything. I do mean everything.
I don't know what kind of relationship other people have with God. But, He is my Daddy and Jesus is the lover of my soul. I know that they are completely aware of what I think anyway, so I just let it all hang out with them.
Anyway, I was crying. I was trying to make some kind of sense of this world and all the pain and suffering I encounter. I was pretty much begging Jesus to come back and take us away. I do that a alot!
Just then, a phrase came to me, "nothing missing, nothing broken". I knew, that is what the Lord wanted to do for me. So I asked the Lord to give me exactly that. Nothing missing and nothing broken in my life.
It is what He wants to do for all of us. We don't always know what is missing or what is broken in our lives or in our selves. He does.
Shortly after this I had a dream. I dreamed that I was extremely angry with someone. I was cursing this person for all they were worth. I mean I was saying, "F--- you", and all kinds of not nice things. When I woke up I couldn't believe it. I had never had a dream like that before.
Then I realized who I was cursing at in my dream. It was a person who had hurt me when I was a young teenage girl. I had thought, up until this point, that I had overcome that hurt, forgiven the person etc.. but this was an eye opener from the Lord.
So, if you have read my previous two blog posts then you know that the Lord helped me to contact that person and receive healing. I am actually amazed this didn't happen sooner. I can't believe I spent so many years of my life still wounded.
The healing continues and I am thankful.
I am 37 years old and have worked as a Registered Nurse for 17 years.  Fifteen of those years I have worked with people who are mentally ill. I tell you this because of my perception of my life before this recent turn of events.
I felt like I pretty much had things together. A good career, two beautiful healthy daughters, a husband who loves me beyond all reason, nice house, nice car, parents who love me, friends, etc....... But I was still broken inside. Never feeling like I was good enough. Never feeling whole.

Most of the patients I take care of have nothing close to the good things I do.  It is utterly horrific to see people in such despair and pain. Sometimes it is overwhelming. And that is just me looking into their lives!
I have known for a long time that I would not have Anything good in my life without God.
However, what I didn't know is that every thing that has happened in my life was for a reason.
A real reason.
Every time I screwed up. Every time I asked for forgiveness. Every time I realized my need for HIM.
It was all leading up to the realization that God wants me to have Nothing missing and Nothing broken.
And that He was going to do this for me!
Not because I have done Anything to deserve it. My Lord, I have done so many wrong things, bad things.
I dare say it would shock some people..
God is So good. He loves us So much more than we know. He really did know every sin we would commit before we ever did. He loves us anyway.
We really don't have to do anything but accept His love. Spend time with Him and listen to His heart. He wants to heal all of us. He wants to heal our hearts, our minds and our bodies. We spend too much time resisting what God wants us to do.  If we would just do it, push past the fear, do what He is telling you to do. He has freedom in store for you when you do. He has wholeness and peace just waiting for you! It might not be easy, but it Will be worth it...
I am sure I still have quite a ways to go before God gets me to where He wants me. But I am glad I am along for the ride!

Woundedness and Healing

Okay, so now I am apparently on a journey of Healing also.  As young as I was when I got hurt, at the time, the only way I knew to deal with it, was to bury it deep and not think about it. Great, so guess what that means?

Unfortunately for me, emotional healing is often painful as we greive things and work through previously blocked out memories. Memories that are popping up now and begging to be examined. 

"Lord, am I actually supposed to be able to look at these things and allow myself to think about it without dying from the pain still lodged in my heart? Yes, You are my healer and You give me strength."

And He truly is the Lover and Healer. So far, everytime a thought or memory comes to mind, He is there holding my hand and pouring His love into my heart where every damaged, wounded part exists. I can feel Him healing my heart! and it is Amazing and Painful and Wonderful all at the same time.

Geez, I feel so human and frail and vulnerable. It is good to know that my Jesus is faithful, and that He indeed has made me Free.

Woundedness can be healed and restored and made new. He came to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. This is Praise to my King.

He is my Savior and my King. I will adore Him forever. Who could ever love me like He does?

Wrapped up in the esctasy of Your presence I am forever whole.

You are the Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. You are my Rock forever more.

I would die in your presence, I would live in your presence, only that I would be with you.

There is no God but You.

You have held me in your hand and given me strength,

you have guided my feet along a crooked path and made my way straight.

I am awed at Your majesty and beauty.

You are the Love of my life and the Life of my love.

I am nothing without you. My Savior and my Lord.

journey to forgiveness and freedom

Help me Jesus. I am a mess this week. Confronting long-standing painful issues from the past is hard work. It is also emotionally exhausting. I feel wrung out completely. This post is really just for me. I thought of writing in my journal about all this, and I guess maybe I will at some point. This week I sent an email correspondence to the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life. I had thought about contacting this person for many years. I am still not sure why now was the time to do it. But it was. I really didn't know if I would get a response from this person or not. Hell I didn't know if I really wanted a response! I just had to lay my cards on the table. For some reason I have this need to let people know when they've hurt me. I have done this in the past and I definitely don't always get an apology or even a response. However, just the act of releasing it to the person seems to help me heal. This was no different. As a matter-of-fact, it felt like a large heavy stone had been lifted from my chest. Thank you Jesus.
The person actually did respond and apologized, asking for forgiveness. It was weird. I am still kind of reeling from it. It has been 23 years since this person hurt me. Unfortunately though, the wound that was inflicted all those years ago set horrible things in motion in my life. I dare say my life would have been totally and completely different if it hadn't happened.
It is just so strange to me now. The one thing that defined how I perceived my self and my value for so many years. Now gone...
I had learned to value myself before this, the Lord has been faithful to me. But apparently I still needed to do what I did.
This person offered to get in contact more and talk over things but I had to decline. Even though I am thankful for the apology, I am a person who loves and feels very deeply. This person was my first love whom rejected me. So the thought of sitting down with him face to face was just not a pleasant one. Even though he apologized and sounded sincere, I don't think he really got the depth of the wound he inflicted. Then again I don't imagine it is necessary that he does.
I think what is so strange is that I did not realize myself how deeply it would affect me if he did respond and apologize. I have just carried this pain for so long, buried deep inside, that I feel like crying all the time now. Has anyone else ever been through something like this? Am I the only one? It feels like I am.